*Western shootout style music* M: Nice hair, Blue PewDiePie. Or should I say, off-brand JackSepticEye? E: You’re such a big, strong man Why do you always cry like a little bitch? M: You know, you could try to be smart and funny in life? O-oh this is you trying… E: So do you get all those pubes on your face from sucking all that dick? M: Oh there’s a human under that acne! Holy shit! E: So I’m having a hard time figuring this out Which is bigger: your head or your ego? M: So you’re a former gymnast? Oh, So you failed that, and THEN decided to fail YouTube. E: You know, Chica chews through your walls because she just wants to get away from you M: You know, you’re such a little bitch. You could be a good friend for Chica! E: You think with all that YouTube ad revenue, you could buy yourself some more friends? M: You’re too ugly for anybody to love you, you’re not clever enough to do YouTube, but there’s one saving grace. You’re the perfect height for sucking dick.. And I figured you’d be good at that because you suck at pretty much everything else *bursts into tears* *still crying loudly as he exits, while Mark waves his opponent a glorified farewell* *Mark sighs* *door slams* *final sob* T: So you just suck cock for subscribers and views, right?
M: Hell yeah T: So I know why you bought Chica It’s the only thing you could force to love you. The one thing I remember from wrestling too is when you wore that singlet, your tiny dick!
*Mark giggle noises* *background laughs* T: Ha! I know why all your relationships failed cuz of that tiny- *All three guys laugh at Mark’s tiny d-* Tyler: So all of your relationships FAILED because you couldn’t pleasure them with your tiny- *Everyone laughing again at his tiny di-* Tyler: So all of your relationships FAILED when you dropped trout and they saw- *laughs in between words* your tiny- Tyler: So the real reason they call you Markle Sparkle is because of your obsession with Twilight.. *long pause* and vampire dick. *The guys burst into laughter* Mark: ♪ Der der der da der dera le dat der ♪ Hello everybody! my name is Markiplier and welcome to “Oh… Sir!! The Insult Simulator” The game where YOU come up with the creative insults- that you wish to dawn upon all those unsuspecting sons of bitches out there and it’s gotta lot of moustaches *mumbles* which is something I can very much respect. So Ow! My button! “Learn to insult”? *whines* I already know how to insult you smarmy cock wagget! What the fuck?! Pimper wickled sack of potato skins! You, YOU ill-begotten sack of- -octopus excrement! You rimple-skinned..Rimple? Wrinkle-skinned! Le- leather- leather testicled Um? Bo- Bow-legged.. Eh..um..Sally Sacker of a fuckernut! Ya piece of garbage, cock ramming, ass-blasting bitch-eloid! Ok, anyway. Imma learn how to insul- ow. Again, my button. Okay.
Mr. J. Shufflebottom: How do you do, sir? I’m going to teach you how to defend yourself against insults Mark: Alright. thank you, Mr. J. Shufflebottom. I dont- Shufflebottom: Every insult needs a subject. Let’s start with something straight-forward. Mark: Oh okay. Let’s see, *stuttering* your- your face! Your- your face.. No- not- ah- not gonna do that. Alright, fine then, your wife.
Your wife…(chuckles) Shufflebottom: Now I’ll build an insult that I’ll use against you! Don’t worry sir, I’m a gentleman. Mark: I don’t believe that for a second. Shufflebottom: Right! Now, if you dare, tell me what you think of my wife! *Mark laughs* Mark: OOH! She’s very naughty- and everyone in town knows it.
Shuffle bottom: I think you may be right about that… Mark: Oh.
Shufflebottom: In return I’ll tell you a thing or two about your face! Mark: Okay! Shufflebottom: You can carry on if you have a conjunction. Mark: I don’t know what the word “conjunction” means Oh now I do!
Shufflebottom: I’ll go easy on you and end my sentence here. Mark: Well! that was your mistake- you *stuttering* you-you-you red-nosed.. (stuttering) the-the the- Fuck you! That’s who you are, y-you’re “Fuck You the Red-Nosed Dickerbasket!” Alright, well th-that was your mistake! And looks like *pause* Your math teacher! I’m counting- Shufflebottom: Now let’s exchange insults shall we, sir?
Mark: Alright I-I’m hoping that your math teacher was not exceptionally hot, And I’m also banking on the possibility that your wife wasn’t your math teacher. Go for it! Sir Knight: Your wife is very naughty and looks like your math teacher!
Mark: Ha-ha! Shufflebottom: Oh!
Mark: Oh geez Shufflebottom: Your face is dull and ugly
Mark: Heh I already know that!
Shufflebottom: Such an exquisite insult! My pride is hurt, sir! Mark: Oh! Very good! *British Mark laugh* Shufflebottom: This time I won’t hold your hand! Mark: Okay, alrighty then, Shufflebottom: Speaking of hands, you now have two additional insult components, in your hand.
Mark: Ooo, thank you! Shufflebottom: We can now introduce the component to end your insult. It’s the one with an exclamation mark. Mark: Aah! Let’s see, alright. I can do this! I got- I got- I got- I got this. Some dog, some dog smells of Don’t take “your mother”! Shufflebottom: You can sip tea once to draw two insult components to replace the ones you have in your hand. Mark: Uh-huh, okay. I don’t wanna do that Ohh I have a “custom hand” Oh good I got “your mother”! Some dog smells of your mother Ah. No, no, not that one! NO! And I have proof! NoOO! Oh God no! And- Ah no! God dammit! AH! Some dog smells of your mother and I have proof! You bitch! Ah God dammit! Ahh! And a Muppet… And- And your cousin’s car! Something happened, between your mom and your dog in your cousin’s car, sir. Mark: I’m done!
Knight: Some dog smells of your mother and your cousin’s car!
Mark: Yea! Shufflebottom: Oo! This place looks like a public loo! Mark: That wasn’t even- That’s not even my place!
Shufflebottom: Ouch! Right in my feelings! I shall have to rethink my life afterwards!
Mark: Good as it should be. Ok you know what? I’ve learned enough. I was hoping there was going to be some customization here but everything seems to be locked. Hmm, that guy looks like an asshole. Ah this lady looks like a mean, Sally sacked, cross-eyed, piece of shit. But what’s with everybody’s “Popeye” arms? Why does everyone have tumors in their arms? Well not exactly me, but y’know close enough. I- I’ll do this for now. Alright! I’m ready to insult! Come at me you poly-mocked, piece of shit! Come at me you- you poorly mustachioed, man that smells of your mother’s underwear! Mrs. Moggie: I wish to complain about this parrot I purchased. Mark: Oh God no,
Sir Knight: The Norwegian Blue? What’s wrong with it? Mark: Oh geez..
Moggie: It’s dead.. That’s what’s wrong with it! Mark: Oh God!
Knight: No no… he’s resting. Mark: Oh God! Alrighty then.. This parrot is no more! This parrot posed nude for your mother, and it killed it! Oh geez.. Wow! My sister changes into my father that actually kinda cuts me deeply. Mark: Yea, well…
Knight: This parrot poses nude for you mother! Smug Mark: Ha-Ha! Moggie: Your sister changes into your father! Mark: Honestly, I’m impressed I have no idea how that happens Your sense of style belongs in one of those cages! I’m already done! This one’s gonna cut to the bone! Oh don’t even TRY to get more insults, you’re never going to be able to get here. Moggie: Your house dances like your math teacher! Mark: Well my math teacher can’t dance, so it’s good that my- Knight:Your sense of style belongs in one of those cages, You tottering fool-born hedge-pig! Mark: And take some of these with you while your at it! *Middle finger defense* Your father was defeated by your mother and is very naughty! It’s not gonna get any better! Oh geez!
Moggie: Your math teacher was your wife and stalked some dog and bothers me! Mark: Ow! 🙁 Ow! Holy shit!
Knight: Your father was defeated by your mother and is very naughty! Mark: *Scoffs* Take some of that with you, even though it didn’t seem to do a whole lot… Well your father is gonna get it again! Your face..and.. I’m taking the”and”! You’re not gettin’ the “and” this time! Your face and your country are silly …and… look like… Dot dot dot dot! I’ll continue this! Just don’t kill me on this one. Just don’t kill me on this one. Just- Ok now hang on! Moggie: You admire pictures of a grunting sow!
Mark: No no no no no no no no! I definitely do, that’s 100% true, but that doesn’t need to be brought into this. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Your face and your country are silly and look like… your mother…and… I better go first on this because I need to go first. and… have bad breath. I’m done I hope you can’t make a *stuttering* don’t kill me, c’mon! That’s a good one!
Moggie: Your hat was this place m8! Mark: That doesn’t make any sense. That didn’t make any sense! Knight: Your face and your country are silly and look like your mother and have bad breath!
Mark: Ohhh! Fuuck youuu! Ah, c’mon!
Moggie: Will you replace my bloody parrot now? Knight: Alright then I will. I have plenty of them in the box.
Mark:No! What?! I don’t wanna- I don’t wanna concede!
Moggie: I want and live one or I’ll be back to complain. Mark: Well I could’ve out-complained you, that was my first argument! First real one anyway! Alright fine, y’know what?! I’M not gonna deal with this. Sir Knight is gonna have another row. You saggy-balled, saggy-boobed Pile of- of- of- of- of- m- m- Markiplier mucus. I don’t know. By the lake ok al- *Weird Mark noises* Knight: Does this dead body belong to you by chance? Mark: Oh.
Shufflebottom: Of course not! I just borrowed it to put my teacup on. Mark: Huh?
Knight: You murdered this poor man to have tea on his rotting corpse? Shufflebottom: How could I have murdered him when I was hiding in a shrubbery with my rifle the whole morning? Knight: Alright, you might have a perfect alibi, but you can’t deny that…
*drumroll* Mark: Okay?… Your mother… tells dirty jokes at funerals and, wears second-hand clothes, you commoner! Knight: Your mother tells dirty jokes at funerals and wears second-hand clothes, you commoner! Mark: OH! Nailed you…to the wall! Your mother, again, is an uneducated nincompoop AND… I have both in my pocket baby! You’re gonna get it! Has bad breath, you cross-eyed, inbred, muckspout! Knight:Your mother is an uneducated nincompoop and has bad breath, you cross-eyed, inbred, muckspout!
Mark: *Laughs in British* And a combo, baby! Oh!
Your house supports the Nazis! Mark: Well, I don’t think that’s true. Your mother! Wait, okay, I’m gonna get “your math teacher” first. It’s really quite a benefit to go first.
And, your mother, have tiny feet. I’m on a mother roll! Get it! Get it! Get it! You are dead. You’re dead. You’re de-e-ad. You’re dead. Knight: Your math teacher and your mother have tiny feet?
Mark: Hell yea. *Laughs in British once more* Yes!
Shufflebottom: You look like your face! (ok then) Mark: That’s the- really I look like my face?
Knight: I hear you are not a murderer, But you sure have a filthy mouth. I’m still calling the police. *Evil British laugh* Alright, goodbye! Goodbye! And that is how you win an argument in any capacity. So anyway, thank you everybody so much for watching I hope you enjoyed this one. It was kinda fun to be able to insult people, or learn to insult people. And I hope you enjoyed this little sketch at the beginning where I insulted my friends, and then Tyler just- Once he- Once Tyler sticks to a certain train of thought it is impossible to deviate him from that thought process. But either way thank you everybody so much for watching. There are bloopers from that little session that you guys can see very soon. And I hope your enjoying all the live action stuff we were doing cuz it is SO much fun to make. So thanks again everybody! And as always, I will see you in the next video. Buh-Bye!