*Wapoosh* Top of the morning to ya laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye and welcome to a game called “Dude Simulator!” I thought it’d be good for me because, I mean, I’m a dude! I simulate! Well, at least I have been for 27 years. I haven’t ASSimilated. That’s a different thing altogether . We’re gonna puuush that out and bring the simulation in. Like everyday I try to simulate being a dude, like waking up, taking out my penis and taking a weewee. Th-that’s not, no, okay. Too far. Right so. *laughing* I don’t know what this game is. I just saw this as I was browsing around and it looked cool. It kinda reminded me of Garbage Day. When I played that game. GARBAGE DAY. If you don’t get that reference then all hope is lost and we’re going to slip into a very deep depression playing this game. So I like the music at the start though. Buh, bub, badub. C-can I pick up m-my soder. Aww, but that’s my soder. Fuckin’ hell. Who irradiated the planet outside? I don’t want to go in. These double glazed windows are keeping out that radiation. “I think I’m a big dog.” That’s cool. What happened? Oh, I knocked it off the thing. I though I–I thought I rose up. *laughing* I like that in the top right corner it shows an arm and then “infinity.” I don’t know what any of this fucking means. Pick up the money. Wh-What do I use? Oh, “F” Of course, why not, ha ha. “F” yourself Jack. That’s what you should be saying. Uhhhh, right! Ok. Let’s head out into this world. I hope it’s nice to me. *music gets louder* Yeah! Nice–wait. Is this Garbage Day? It looks a lot like Garbage Day when I played it. Was it formerly known as Garbage Day? Ok, online it doesn’t say anything about Garbage Day, or this being connected. I thought maybe it was a re-release and they just changed the name of it now– That’s a big hotdog! Jack want giant hotdog! I like the Disney-esque music that’s going on. I feel like Belle on her way to do some fucked up shit, finding, breaking into a guy’s house, finding his precious rose, and then… him being a beast and all–it’s, it’s a scary story. Hello Fred! Out today to just hear the birds and the chirps? O–On your way–You shit your pants Ok… I’ll just let you get back to your house. Stop following me! Go buy some Depends or something. This is a nice truck! I want this. This is Fred’s truck, but he told me I could borrow it. Aww A nice day–Fred! Jesus Christ Fred! Um, beep beep! Are you ok? Seems fine. Still shit his pants. I probably made his, uh, problem doubly worse now. Get off the fucking bridge! Christ! All I wanna do is go get me some hot diggity dogs. *singing* hot diggity dog diggity boom whatcha do to me Oo! Giant T-Rex! Well actually not a giant T-Rex, it’s probably a—a small T-Rex. Right, so, where do I get guns? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Oooooh! I just have them. Ok–*laughing* I wanna slap someone. C’mere! *’tish’ slapping sound* *laughing* *cough* Holy fuck! Agh! Agh! Baby fights! Ba–*laughing* Oh! I clicked out of the game! Fuck! Ow! Did I die? Ooh, no! Oh, that was the best! I love the “tish”! *laughing* C’mere bitch! I’ma slap everything. Break the windows. Oh mother o’god, let’s go slap some fools again. I wanna slap some ass! Let me slap one of them titties bro! C’mere. C’mere! *slap recipient yells* *laughing* *imitating man* Woooooooah! Let’s see who fights back. Let’s see, let’s see… This is like the fight–fight or flight mechanic in its purest form. Ok, let’s go get this guy, ’cause if I click over there, my mouse is gonna go off screen again. *laughing* I have a grenade. Where’s Bruno Mars when you need him. He said he’d catch a grenade for someone. I wanna test that theory. I wanna know, just how far Bruno Mars is willing to go. I’d catch a grenade for ya. Jump in front of a train for ya. I’d… probably do something with a blade for ya. No you fucking wouldn’t Bruno Mars. That’s a stupid thing to do. Fucking jump in front of a grenade. You probably wouldn’t even save her. You’d probably blow into bits and shrapnel would still hit her. If anything, you’d probably just add to the shrapnel. Bits of bone fragments would stick into her. Then she’d be–lodged with a piece of fucking Mars in her for the rest of her life, and not a Mars bar, either. Ok, go grenade. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Oh God! Ha. Someone’s got wicked shits in there. Ha ha. I’ma leave. Don’t mind me! Just your fellow…ah…ah…Piney Creek resident. Just walking down the street with a grenade in my hand. It’s not a grenade! It’s a…avocado. Y-You don’t know. The toy store! Is there gonna be some toys for tots in here? In we go! I want some toys. It’s not any fucking wonder the people in this town are miserable. There’s not even any toys! Please, please tell me there’s at least some burgers. Whole place is fucking empty. I hope you’re happy–don’t! Don’t you try to fucking sway me with that beautiful teddy bear bastard up there. I’ll fucking show you– God damn it! I’ll show you that I mean business. Ooooh! Fredrick? I think he’s dead. These don’t even explode. They make an explosion sound but they just vanish. Mother of God… Fine. These are some gigantic bales of hay. The fuck are you trying to feed with these, brontosaurus? Wait, there’s a giant banana on that store. What kind of store has giant bananas on it? Probably the banana store, now that I think about it. “Hi here, my name’s, uhh, Tom Frocaw!” “I’m here to, to show you guys my brand new, explosion-resistant houses!” “Okay? Every house in this neighborhood just *snap* goes up like tissue paper whenever a fuckin’ explosion goes off.” “So my house is bomb-resistant. Watch this folks, watch this.” “That explosion, it even sucks in the explosion, you don’t even see it no more.” “You think that these windows are a hazard? You think these windows are a weak point? Nah, not today.” “You just throw these bombs at these windows all day. Nothing’s ever gonna happen.” “Come on down, Tom Frickity-Fraud’s Home Exploderama Houses!” “Terms and conditions apply. Buying a house may include loss of scalp and penis.” *laughs* KOBE! AAAAAAAAGH! You’re not scared? Dance, monkey! I don’t even have a gun now. Nobody gives a shit in this town! What happened here to make people so desensitized to fuckin’ murder and violence and guns and explosions? Ooh, weapon store! But I– I don’t need your weapons. And none of these stores have anything. Hello? Heeeeeere’s Seanny! That’s it. I’m fucking robbin’ this banana store. STICK ‘EM UP! THIS IS A ROBBERY! It’s no fun when they don’t scream. Ooh, nudie lady! Haha! There’s nothing to do here! You know what? I think it’s time to start having some fun of my own. Uuuuuugh, that was a lot worse than I thought it was gonna be! Oooh, money! HEY! Did you know when you shoot people, money comes out? Whoa! Or, they just run weird. *sunglasses dude* “This is the police.” Aaaaagh, fuck! “Stahp!” *laughs* Stahp! *laughs* Dis the police. Stop. *laughs* Sorry, Mr. Policeman! But you is fucking dead now. Oh, hi! The poli– *laughs* The police just try and kick you. Do it again! You can’t– fuck off! I’m at 60 percent health now! STOP IT! I will be forced to retaliate! I don’t even wanna do this! *laughing* Look at the fucking way they run. “I’ma just come and get you! I’ma just stop you!” Fuck off. Maybe I’ll– that’s it! I’m going back up into my fucking bell tower. Oh god, I can’t. *laughs* “Stop. Dis da police.” You don’t have a very convincing case to stop me. I mean… pretty much, I’m pretty much invincible in this town. Hello. Hi. Thanks, thanks for– fuck, fuck, I clicked out of the game again! Why does that keep happening? Stop! AAAAAAAAH! Oh god, there’s more of them. Okay. Okay. Have an avocado, they’re good for your heart. *policemen* “Stop? Stop. Stop? Stop.” F– Are you saying “fuck?” Je– fucking Jesus! Ahh! Did I get ’em? Uhh, got ‘eem! Dude, watch out. *laughs* No, you stop. Oh, yeah. OH, yeah. “This is police.” Well, this is Jack. I’m getting the fuck out of here. Ye– getaway vehicle! Let’s go! Can I– can I lose my wanted level? Oh god, my hand is still showing. Oh Jesus, what am I– fucking hell! Stop it! Now I’m in a river! Well, that didn’t fucking go very well, did it? ‘Kay. I’m getting out of here. You can’t catch me alive, coppers! I only have 20 percent health, but fuck it. Nyahahahaha! Try and catch me now, bitches. Oh, fuck! I died! These cops have like– are like terminators. Oooh, this is a nice car. Who owns this car? Is it mine? Ha, it is now. Actually, that’s probably my car, piece of fucking shit. HONK HONK, BEETCHES! Move out of my– move OUT of my way. Out! Out! Not in, out! Sons of bitches. You speakin’ Englee? Okay, Jesus Christ. *pretends to vomit* I’m leaving this town. This town fucking sucks. It’s full of people who *don’t* wanna die very efficiently. Oh, god, it’s like Twin Peaks. I can’t fucking leave. Ah, Christ! *whistling along to music* Ooh! These people have a swimming pool! Don’t mind if I take a dip.