Bruce: Alright, which simulator do you want to do War Truck Simulator or Mountain Biking? James: [Sighs deeply] James: Look how extreme this is! James: Gravity is going to do 90% of the work for you, Adam. Bruce: Yeah, Mountain Biking is easy. James: It’s easy. James: And that’s the bottom of the hill WHY ARE WE STILL GOING? Bruce: Nice, look at… James: Oh.
Bruce: those busting tricks. Bruce: Are you…can you accelerate? Adam: Yeah, I mean… Jame: Is there a button for… Bruce: [reading] Keys 1,2,3 and 5 on the numeric keypad, oh. James: It’s to control the position of the driver. James: There you go, there you go. James: Now you’re losing it.
Bruce: Nice, look at you, man! James: Don’t fall! Bruce: This is going to get so many views on Youtube! James: Look at this! Bruce: Holy shit! Adam: This is every fail army video we’ve watched. James: I know. Is there a button to say like “This is going to be Fail Army for life or whatever”? Bruce: Alright, here we go. Bruce: Watch out. Bruce: [Whispers] Oh Wow. Adam: Think there’s a dead hobo in the woods? Adam: Think there’s a dead hobo in the woods?
James: Why does it sound like he has Rice Crispy’s in his pockets? James: Why does it sound like he has Rice Crispy’s in his pockets? Bruce: [laughing] James: TRICK! Bruce: Man bikes… Bruce: bikes are fucking dumb. James: We should go do this some time! Bruce: Yeah, you want to mountain bike? James: Yeah, absolutely.
Adam: Make a Fail Army video? Adam: Make a Fail Army video? Bruce: OH! James: WHOA! Bruce: Adam! Bruce: Those are great tricks! James: Watch the bridge! Bruce: Oh, this is dangerous. James: [Makes thumping noise with mouth]
Bruce: This is dangerous! James: That’s a shortcut. James: Hyuh! Bruce: Nice.
James: Nice trick. James: Alright, I want a back flip on the next one. Adam: Okay. James: Next one. This one! Backflip! Bruce: I don’t think you can, man. James: Dammit. Bruce: This is mountain biking. Adam: Yeah. James: Sometimes you can do it. [guitar screech]
James: Redbull does it. Bruce: Pedal! James: Anything? Nothing? [audible key smashing] James: You gotta hold, man. Adam: I was holding it. Adam: Let’s go back the other way. James: No! You have to go back to the finish line!
Bruce: No. No. No. Come on. Bruce: Do something cool. Bruce: You’re making mountain biking look boring! Adam: [sighs] Adam: Is there a button I’m missing? James: A pedal button? Adam: There’s music. [country music plays] Bruce: Why would you listen to that?
James: Here we go! James: Now let’s go!
Bruce and Adam: [laughing] Bruce: Why would you listen to this music while mountain biking? Bruce: Why would you listen to this music while mountain biking?
James: Everyone knows that country western James: Everyone knows that country western is the official music of downhill biking. Adam: Go find a sasquatch. Bruce: [laughing] Bruce: This music does make the game better though. James: [sighs] It doesn’t. James: [country singing voice] You’re a free backer now. Bruce: I feel like I’m at Buffalo Wild Wings. [country music continues playing] Bruce: [laughing]
James: This guy’s a terrible singer. Bruce: [laughing] Bruce: [imitating singer] The band is up! James: [pained groaning]
Bruce: [imitating singer] And the band is down! Bruce: And it’s a (guitar) solo. James: Is that a solo? James: It sounds like he dropped his guitar.
Bruce: Oh, you go through there. Bruce: [imitating the singer] Where in me!
James: SHUT UP! James: Urgh. James: I wish I was the guy at the bar James: that just goes, “shut up!” Bruce: Throwing bottles. James: Shut it! Bruce: This is it. Bruce: Let the country music… Bruce: fuel you.
James: Here you go, Adam. James: Go. Go. Go. Go. James: Lean forward! James: Lean! Bruce: I think you’ve got to go a different way. James: Ahh! Bruce: No, you’ve got to go a different way. [song finally ends] Bruce: Alright, what’s the next track. Adam: (inaudible) James: Encore! James: BOOO!
Bruce: [chuckling] James: One more? Is that one more? James: BOOOO! Adam: He’s like, “what else do I have on my iPod mini.” [country music plays again] James: Okay. James: [awkward laughing] James: [inaudible throat singing] Bruce: [chuckling] James: [terrible singing] I got on a bike and that’s his only way! (?) James: [still singing] Biking down the road! James: [gross throat groans]
Bruce: [laughing] Bruce: [imitating the singer by screaming nonsense] James: So screechy and bad. James: Sounds like someone opened a… James: someone opens the, uh… James: fire exit and the alarm goes off. James: And it harmonizes with that. Bruce: He walks into the band and he goes, Bruce: “I’ve got this great melody for the song.” James: “Alright, let’s hear it, bro!” Bruce: [imitates fire alarm] James: What key is that?
Bruce: [laughing] Adam: All of them. James: He’s like, “I call it fingers on a chalkboard.” Bruce: [laughing] Bruce: And then the breakdown goes: Bruce: [imitating fire alarm again] Bruce: [fire alarm pitch lowers] Bruce: [fire alarm pitch just dances around artistically] Bruce: Here’s that…here’s that (guitar) solo. Adam: Yeah. Bruce: Let that guitar solo… James: Fuel me with power, guitar solo! Bruce: Nope. Nope. Nope. James: You didn’t come close. Bruce: And…stop. Bruce: [laughing] Adam: Arugh! Bruce: Oh, it’s a new song. Bruce: Yeah, here we go. [strange mystical country music plays] Adam: I hear Obama. Bruce: Yeah. James: These are two genres of music… James: or the genre of music does not mix with… James: Barack Obama.
Bruce: Mountain biking? Bruce: Oh. Adam: Well, it’s… Adam: the theme is creative commons. [music turns into hip-hop] Bruce: The fuck? James: [brings back the country throat singing] Adam: Oh, The Fuzz. Bruce: That’s the problem. You got a shitty bike. James: You didn’t have a good bike. James: And your jersey was wrong. Bruce: [wheezing] Adam: Oh.
James: You can’t leave. Bruce: You have to buy the Snabb first. James: It’s just like, James: “You’re not leaving this bike shop until you buy a Snabb.” Bruce: He gets to the jukebox and… Bruce: [fire alarm imitation singing] James: STOP! I’ll do anything, here take my wallet. James: What do you think? Adam: Uuhh.
James: Maybe take a closer look. Adam: [snickers] Oh boy. Adam: What?! [Dubstep music plays] Bruce: Oh, this is it! James: See you at the bottom of the hill, mother fuckers. Bruce: We take some molly! James: Oh, he crashed. Adam: Oh, you fuckers. Bruce: Oh, look at that! It’s the dubstep filter!
James: Is that slow motion? James: Get that enter.
Bruce: Look out for the tree! Bruce: Ooooh, nice move. [Dubstep continues]
James: Oh gee, that’s so sweet. James: Alright, now just start pedaling like crazy. Go crazy. James: Nyeeew. James: Up and over!
Bruce: Oh. Bruce: OOOOOOHH! Bruce: What a move! James: Nice.
Bruce: Oh wow. James: Right through the grass. James: Time to drop it. Adam: Here comes the drop. [Dubstep intensifies]
Adam: Take my molly.
James: Almost there. Bruce: Lawrence, you ready for the drop?! James: You’re almost to that up where you got to last time. James: Oh! Adam: Weoow. [Dubstep at maximum intensity]
Bruce: DO SOMETHING COOL, ADAM! [Bass drop] Bruce: Lawrence is dancing. James: You’re going the wrong way. Bruce: And you’re going the wrong way. James: Adam, just get to the bottom of the hill. James: [repeated in slow mo] Bottom of the hill. James: Oh god, how is it so hard to control yourself? James: You’re not using the num pad, Adam! Lawrence: This music is so sweet! James: Lean! Lean into the turn! Bruce: Lean. James: Alright, it’s bringing in that speed. James: And then you’re gonna hold 5! [song suddenly ends] Adam: Oh, song’s gone. Bruce: Now here comes in the country western. James: Here we go. Here we go! Bruce: This is the part, I think. Right? James: Here we go! James: FIVE! FIVE! James: FIVE! James: Hold five! James: Hold five! James: Hold FIVE! Bruce: It’s because the dubstep stopped.
James: DAMMIT! James: You blew it! [the dubstep’s back] Bruce: It’s worse. Adam: Can’t you… Adam: You can’t possibly… Adam: get up this thing. Bruce: You’re a bad mountain biker. James: You’re not even in my [inaudible due to sick tunes] Adam: If you would like to do this, please, go right ahead. Bruce: Oh, James is in! Bruce: Oh, look at the dubstep filter. James: Alright, see you on the other side. Bruce: Alright, James is going to make it. Here we go! Bruce: First try! Bruce: Oh. Bruce: No. Bruce: No. Bruce: You put it in slow motion though. Bruce: Go to the top of that hill right there. With the trees. James: [laughing]
Bruce: And ride through the trees. Adam: You can’t. Bruce: It will be awesome. Adam: WHAT!? Bruce: What did I tell you! Bruce: You’re a mountain biker! Adam: [chuckling] Bruce: You can do whatever you want! Bruce: Get up the hill.
James: Me doing it. Bruce: No, you’re not doing anything. James: You need back speed to go forward. Bruce: James, roll over that hill and then… Bruce: Nice yeah. Bruce: Go through those bushes real slow. Adam: [chuckling] James: Here we go. Adam: [laughing] James: That’s it!
Bruce: Charge. James: I GOT A LINE ON IT! James: I GOT A LINE ON… Bruce and Adam: Awwwww. James: I got…I still got a line on it. Bruce: No, I don’t know about that one. Adam: The line’s gone. James: Here we go. Adam: There’s some park rangers watching that. Bruce: Here’s the drop! Adam: You’re gonna die. Bruce: This is it! [dubstep intensifies]
James: Aughhh! [dubstep continues to intensify] [bass drops but James still fails] James: ARGGH!
Bruce and Adam: [laughing] Adma: Alright. Bruce: Alright, I guess we’re quitting. Adam: You can stop here. Adam: You can stop it.
Bruce: That’s it, we’re done. Bruce: Sorry, James. Adam: Urgh, James. James: I’m out! Bruce: So sorry. Adam: Alright. James: I got it. I got it. James: This is the one. James: Look at that drop! Adam: What? The song or the… James: Hyyuuughh! James: [groaning in pain]
Bruce: I keep telling you to quit. Bruce: You can’t make it, Bruce: Lose the bike! Adam: [laughing] James: NOOOOOOOO! Adam: I’ll pick you up in a couple of hours, James.
James: NOOOOOOO!!! James: JUST GET UP AND WALK! James: USE YOUR LEGS! [music stop suddenly] James: I paused it and I’ll get the drop. James: I get the drop! James: When I get the drop! James: For the record, number lock was not on James: so it didn’t know that it was leaning. James: URGH! James: URGHH! James: UUURGH! James: URGH! James: ARGH! James: ARGGGGHHH! Bruce: Did you make it? James: I MADE IT! James: I MADE IT! Adam: How’d you do it? James: YEEESS! Bruce: How’d you do it? James: Number lock wasn’t… James: he wasn’t even using the fucking pad over here! James: He wasn’t leaning. James: Heugh! James: Ah. See. James: AHHHH SHIT! Look at the tricks! Bruce: You’re the best! James: YES! James: Ooooooh. James: Ohhh, look at that lean! Bruce and Adam: [laughing] James: I made it though!