*Wapoosh* Top of the mornin’ to ya, laddies ! My name is Jacksepticeye, and welcome back to Job Simulator! Look! I have two right hands again, I don’t have two wrong hands like last time. Remember last time I was like this? *messes with hands* Yeah. It was a difficult time for me. *points* YOU better be nice to me this time and stop looking at me! … fucking weird.. Okay, so last time, beep boop boop. *punch* *punch* We did a great time, I was a great chef. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I cooked up some *Mwah* C’est Magnifique (wonderful) Food. Uhm, so this time I think I want to be a store clerk again. That was fun last time. *Annoying Robot* Are you a fan of slushies and hot dogs? You’ll love the convenience store! (Says you) Are you a fan of SHUTTING UP?!” You’re fucking loud! OK, so there’s There’s sixteen things and I’m on number ten. So I got a little over halfway and I’m gonna kick some a- AH it says it there! 56% Look at it go! 😀 Infinite overtime? NO! *Gibberish* (Let me out with the fish?) Unless I’m getting paid! Haha time is money and… *Ding* Ahhh that kinda shit! OK bye! HAHA! Look! At my lovely store. (Screw you robot) Jesus you’re there again! Ugh! (Robot still wont shut up!>:( ) *Annoyed sigh* I KNOW!!! You did it- we did it last time! I’m moving on to the next job. OK, take a ticket when ready! OK. I don’t know if I’m ready, cause my fucking VIVE is freaking out! *Turns around* STOP! *Screen continues to have a seizure* *Dry heaves* It’s not stopping. OK. Hey! (Fuck you robot!) You should be recycling OK! Do we have a recyclable…thing? *Tinkers around* There it is! Look! Recycled. AH it’s over there! *He shoots, He scores!* KOBE!!! SCORE! Suck on that you no-armed freak! Sorry to any of the robots out there watching who have no arms OK, hello mustache man! 😀 *Unintelligible robot gibberish* *Jacksepticeye.exe has stopped working* *Short Circuit* WHAT? You’re very fucking fast. I can’t u-where’s my rack? Hehe it’s right here! :D*Points to nipples* Hehehe *GASP* AHHH I HAVE NO LEGS! *pewdiepie confirmed* The hot sauce in the green thing… put these things into that thing (What thing?) and then put that into this thing (Hold on! What thing goes into where now?) OK! AHH the things into the thing.? Yeah! Oh wait! They’re just fucking right here! I was expecting something much bigger FUCK! JESUS! OK. My tracking is all off and it’s makin- *Drunk Jack Wobble* I’m gonna fuckin’ fall over. OK. Go back on the shelf you sonuvabitch! OK, what are we reading?…Unplugged! *Gasp* *Whsipering* You can’t be looking at that! That’s a naked hoover! STAY!>:( Big Rom Firewire. Blazing fast gum! I’m gonna have people to call me Big Rom from now on Ha you know what I’m talking about 😉 *Rubs the screen* *beep bop* *ding dong ding* *Jack revels in his victory* OK. Bye Mustache Man! It was good to see you Hate that guy!>:( Hey! What’s up? What’s going on next? Take a ticket? Why are you just standing there looking at me?! Why don’t you eat a Jerky Meats since you’re such a jerk! (Fuck you robot!) There we go. Can I can I jumbo size it again? Come on! Ther- FUCK IT! (Fuck you robot!) Cause you’re a BIG jerk! *Childishly spraying condiments* Hehe Oh God! *Continues spraying condiments everywhere* Yeah take that! *DIE ROBOT!* Dude! My aim for hitting you is impeccable. Might I just say. Alright. I need to figure out something that’s going wrong with my fucking tracking, because, Whenever I turn this way *Continues to demonstrate* Oh, everything is fine. *Punches Unplugged Magazine* *Uncontrollable laughter* *Slow Motion Replay* *Finish Him!* Everything is fine then my hand just spasms and hits that! OK. Whatever. What are you doing here? Wow 😀 Look at it! Wow, do you want a book! (thank you) Next! Hello! Welcome to my store! *Freeloading Robot!* *NO!*>:( Hmm, how about those Popsicles in the freezer?(*How about fuck you) If we don’t sell those by tomorrow we’re gonna have to throw them out anyway. (I’ll take them!) Hey! How about you let me be the store clerk! OK? And YOU need to shut up! Alright, this is my store! All of this shit… All mine! You know what? This job is taking a lot outta me. Um, so I want hmm, what do I want? I want AH! I want a Slush-E! AAHHH Yes! I want an even amount of both flavors! You know when you go to the movies and they’re like, “Oh you want a slush?” It’s like what do you want? This flavor? That flavor or that flavor? Or you can get a combination of all of them and you look at them like BITCH! Do I look like I want one flavor? NO! I. WANT. ALL. THE. FLAVORS! (jack for president) So I asked- I said to them *Taps cup* What? Where’d my slushi go? 🙁 Fuck it anyway! OK. Well, I’m gonna get you a freezy pop! Whoa look at this guy! Awe he’s so cute. That’s you! Heh Look at you! You’re so fucking- *Screen Seizure Returns* *Dry Heaves* You’re so cute! Ok, there I said it! Oh! Like father like son! OK, here you go. OH i wasN’t ExpeCtiNg tO aCtuaLLy gEt SomEthInG (FUCK OFF! OK. Give it back! Could I get a bit of change too? (FUCK OFF!) NO!>:( I’m not giving you money! I’m taking back the lollipop! (It’s actually a Popsicle) Change change. In job we trust. OK. Here’s a coin! Don’t spend it all in one place! If I see you out there doing robo-heroine after this I’m gonna call the police. Wow thanks! (Fuck you) You’re a real good person. (No he’s not) Oh I’m the best! OK, bye! Hah He didn’t leave the store Hey- Hello there human.
That’s the same- FUCK! I got a coin here for ya. Jack: heh HA What can I buy for this? Surely, you could give me something.
I broke the game!
Ugh, just give this bot /something/. Preferably, not something especially valuable. Shut up before I slit your no-neck! Okay, so I just got an extra coin I gave him a coin he went around I took the coin back and then I don’t know why I’m explaining it you guys saw it but this is great here have a coin Pleasure doing business with you. Haha sure was You laugh like you got away with something but I just robbed your ass (he has no ass now) Shut up! Clean up on Aisle Shit!
Next! Even when, I’m not trying I hit you in the face that’s your fault for standing around. Uh oh, here comes trouble. Nooo a Bandito! Nyah, see? Today’s not your lucky day, pal (undyne?) Open that safe and gimme all your cheddar! No, gimme all /your/ cheddar! The jig’s up. I’ve got the banana gun, okay. Plenty more where that came from, kid. Now I get two banana guns! Where does he keep getting banana guns from… Stick ’em up you! You don’t have any arms And I don’t have a body. With our forces com-. *chomp* Do you want to fight a man who’s got two bananas and nothing to lose? (you could lose your job -_-) I-I know I wouldn’t! okay I’m gonna recycle these though cause you know the environment’s a really important thing. If you don’t recycle the environments gonna get destroyed and Al Gore’s going to get real mad at me and he’s gonna show up to my bedroom again. He only showed up there once it was in a dream, he had no pants on, BUT…pink stuff *shots shots shots shots* (Lord have mercy for we are about to sin) Oh Jesus. Oh God- oh fuck- but- Jesus going aren’t you missing this? *gibberish* sorry I didn’t mean to took fuck what if I- *Horrible idea manifests itself* OHOHOHO Fourth of July! (DEAR GOD RUN-) *END OF THE WORLD* WOOO! Yeah eat that eat that oh, yeah that’s the good shit right there *jerks himself* Oooh wa ah ah ah (Disturbed laugh) Oh I love VR! okay ding ding ding *ding* You’re- You don’t possibly want to steal all this cheddar do you, okay? Cause this gamer took a long time to get this bread and get this cheddar but if you want it okay there you go? “Ty was here” well, Jack’s here now and he’s very upset Later chump! You’ll never catch meeee! Byyyye bitch! I don’t wanna catch you. He stole all the cheese. *do the crabby dance* I got grabby hands. You-you want to mess with these? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO You’re cool Are you- Are you stoned bro? *Californian accent* I think this bot’s had a little too much juice. Better throw something to get its attention “Juice” *quotation marks* I can’t do quotations! You’ve had too much “JUiCe” It’s cause you’re high isn’t it (no shit) here you go Hey! Come on over *robot who is too high on juice attempts to speak* You want a kick in the face? I just gave you a burrito! It’s on the floor The burrito’s on the floor over there go get that one! How about I give you a job instead; you know that’s the problem with all these kids these days. They come in here and they ask for all types of stuff from me a regular old store clerk person…I just hit myself directly on the nipples with both edges of this thing but you know what I kind of liked it! (definitely an old store clerk person) come into my store trying to steal all my shit and get all the stuff what you don’t want is a burrito, what you want is a job Cause if you get a job and you can buy all the burritos you want Okay I’m not getting through to the youth Ahaha….w-wait wait wait wait wait wait What?? I want like a BIIIIIIG burrito. OOOOOH Like REAAAAAL big I like you okay, man I could have done some of the voices from this game. Hey? Alchemy labs, hit me up I want to do a voice but *thievery* Oh god damn it! Okay big burrito That’s a man after my own heart you know exactly what you want and you just go get ain’t nobody fuckin with you That’s the size of a child That’s what I’m talkin’ about! (cannibalism) Big burritooo *amazed* *Giggling* Big burrito! okay ding oh wait *chomp* OHSHIT- *pikachu surprised face* cha-ching money *stoner robot giggles* heheheh…here’s your moooooney *poomf* WOOOOOO Don’t forget to put cash in the register! Just because your customer isn’t paying attention, doesn’t mean your manager isn’t (stalker) Is that you? Are you my manager I thought I was the manager! I’m the manager of my own life! Manager’s office is right there Can I be a manager? Jesus. Can I see properly? Okay, cha-ching! Ahahalright…laaaaaater Aha laaaaaaater bro haaaaaaah See you later duhude good luck getting all those chicks mahahan (stereotypes) You know what I love about those high school girls man? I get older but they just stay the same age. (creeper) That’s not a quote from me okay that’s Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused it’s a really fucked up quote I don’t like it okay, shit – shut up don’t report me to my superiors okay weee! Wow, there. I haven’t seen a mess /this/ big since
-=The Human Uprising of 2027=- *Jack laughter* Hold on there, human I have just the thing. What’s that? *gasp* Secret key! Why don’t you try it out? *robot drowned out by Jack’s amazement of key* See it? But? By the- By the what- OOOOOO Is there gonna be weapons in here I hope so! *disappointed* Jesus fuckin’ hell! -Designed to clean even the most disgusting human messes. Grab the controller and clean those stains around the store. Ooooooh! You’re cute! Look at him go! Go R2 go! Niiice! Clean up that burrito okay that, you didn’t clean up the burrito, okay that’s fair enough That’s good enough for now, I think. Just pull the key out to deactivate the robot, and we’ll move on to our next customer. It’s not good enough for now, okay? A clean house is a solid house, okay? Cleanliness is next to Godliness if we have a clean store then we’re going to sell more (jack for store manager) that’s what my dad used to always say (what were you guys selling…) and then he got mad, okay well Pilot… where’d he go?! Well old friend Okay he’s dead okay next It’s not my fault you’re in the way of the recycling bin you want me to not hit you or you want me to save the planet?! Okay, fuck you Oh, hello! I’m… an adult robot! (Amazing disguise) And I’d like to purchase some fireworks! Sure! Yeah. *Inconspicuous coughing* Something about this seems a little bit strange. Ya think? You should probably check their ID Oooh yeah! ID! No problem! *more inconspicuous activities* Let me check your ID show me your teeth I don’t need to, okay! I don’t need this ID okay, show me your teeth that’s a way better identifier of who you are. (or jack just has a tooth fetish) You know when people die in a fire or the cops have to go look for a suspect to some? You know what they do, they don’t look at your ID Because this body gets burned or something you know they look for your teeth it’s the last thing that’s easy You got teeth? No. Name: Adult Bot Age: Old Enough ID: Totally legit. Expiry never. This 100% real ID certified by real job city officials You know what? I can’t deny this, this is flawless Uhhhh..uhh no, wait. That’s the wrong one. Try-try this one You have two IDs? Okay, probably- Name: Adult Bot. Age: So old! ID? Totally legit! Re- oh this is a hundred and ten percent real! Okay let me just Let me make it bigger so my old man eyes can see it a bit better. You know I’m almost 29 now and then Papers don’t work as good as they used to. Why do I keep talking to you like you’re my best friend? Well the technology is never wrong. *Lies* It appears to be one legitimately adult robot. Yeah I guess you can give them their fireworks Okay, I’m gonna look at myself Heheheheh. Okay give you fireworks no problem kids! I meeeean grown-ass man Hey there you go. This one’s on though. Oh wait- *Inconspicuous whispering* Shut up Gilly! Alright! *Revealed* Oh no, let’s book it! The jig’s up! Get them! I can’t go back to jail! Motherfuckers get back here! Lottery tickets ooh Bogus I almost thought I had it, so close. Okay I want a jackpot I want the lumberjack part I want a lotta money. Hey that’s another game! No don’t buy it! No, no *stealing his own products* no I did it! I win! Okay I’mma buy this one. I don’t want the rest of them No, these one’s are shit I don’t want the ones that are losers, okay One please. I win, look wait he can’t see it’s too small. Okay look, I win oh My numbers good luck sucker. It’s the police! They went that way! I understand you were held at banana-point early this evening. We’ve captured the suspects. We just need you to point out who did it. Who took your cheddar? Let me make it simple for you. Here are the three suspects. Just hand me the one who did it. Okay. Make sure you’re certain. Okay suspect in banana robbery. Job City PD, to job and protect. I like you sir. Sir, may I interest you in my winnings. Not FOR you I mean just look at ’em. Look, look, I won (he’s so excited) Isn’t that impressive? Aren’t you-aren’t you happy, aren’t you proud of me? I know I’m proud of me. Pat pat on my back (connor is proud of you too) okay, um previous offenses none, no it wasn’t her. sorry I threw your ID away Umm, okay How’d you do that? :O That’s crazy. Okay, but previous offenses, disturbing the peace, talking loudly- nahhh Talking loudly is not an offense. If it was, I’d be in jail a long time ago. Am I right guys? *crickets* Right, right? Fuck you guys, okay?! Hard audience but number I think it’s pretty much this guy but just let me let me check let me make sure That’s him officer that’s the one who shot me Okay, he didn’t shoot me he held me up at banana point and I held him up at banana point as well but I got nothing out of this transaction he stole my cheddar policeman officer here you go Book him! When will you learn? When will you learn not to be a bandit bot, bandit bot? No, you won’t. Okay, recycling here we go Looks like you’re getting the hang of this clerk job, kid! Am I? I’m very thirsty though it’s a hard-knock life I’ll just be hanging out here while you do, whatever you want! How do I, how do I get the soda? Oh there we go! *chewbacca noises* *spastic choking noises* I kind of just waterboarded myself *more choking* right that was fun let’s do it again! *giant human messes* Hooraaaaay hehehe! Oooh mini fridge (you have to pay for those!) Y E S!! Woooow. Come on dude, dance with me! This is how humans used to dance. It’s good right, ooh five hour energy! (oh no) 24 hour energy! Now it’s 48 hour energy gimme (dear god save us) *glug glug glug glug* WHOA MAMA HERE WE GO! (It appears the fabled Jacksepticeye, mythical man of unimaginable power and strength, harvester of electricity itself, has garnered so much raw energy through his mortal veins, his mortal body cannot withstand his levels of immense intensity and dynamism. Jacksepticeye has spurned his mortal coil for something much more eternal: The Universe Itself.) OHJesus Christ whoa Dude you wouldn’t believe it I took a 48 hour energy and then I blacked out I don’t remember anything after that Luckily, I’m back here though where everything….god damn it I’m in the robot museum again! Fuck it all! Okay well I’m gonna leave this episode of Job Sim-uu-lah-tor here. Oh my god so much fun. I fucking love this game ahuhuhuhuhuhuh Tracking is still a little off, I think it’s cause my lights in the room Are so bright that the sensors are getting kind of messed up by it but I got new lights so this should be a little better I’ll just try and figure it out for the next episode but oh Lord we got two more jobs left to do we have the mechanic one and then we have the office one and then when I finish both of them I don’t know what happens but I want to finish them out anyway because I like this game a lot but for now thank you guys, so much watching this episode if you liked it Punch that like button in the face like a BOSS! And High fives all around *Wapoosh* *Wapoosh* Thank you guys and I will see all you dudes! IN THE NEXT VIDEO! (subtitles done by camryn p.)=) Corrections and Additions made by Army Artilleryman and Kenny Killzone. Don’t forget Makayla Emerson! I was the funny one 😉 Man, it’s not easy being a Job Bot.