Top of the morning to you, laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye! *sniffs* Do you smell that? That’s the smell of battle in the air That’s the smell of shit about to go down Not literal shit though Because that would be a very smelly battlefield I imagine some people shit their pants in a battlefield, though And they say that when you die, you empty your bowels I mean, South Park taught me that, and South Park has never been wrong. Ah, but today, we have the battle that we’ve all been waiting for We have *Australian accent* our good old Australia kangaroosie-doosies here G’day, mates How ya fucking doing? Ah, that’s what I like to see! Everyone have a fucking… fosters, mate! *Normal voice* I was gonna say shrimp on the barbe, but that’s… No. That’s like saying “Top of the morning to ya'” for Irish people [Laughs] It’s not accurate… BUT! We have… the battle… for Australia! Against… the battle… for the US, United States of America! That’s the United States, United States of America. These World War 2 soldiers, they’ve been to hell and back! They’ve seen the eyes of demons! But, they’ve never ever come up against… the battles, at which they’ve ever seen the likes… Of kangeroosies! They’re so fucking cute… I love ’em so much, and their little rat tails. UM! Don’t know how this is gonna go… Because, my bets are, they’re 1000 of these and 2000 of them So, they out number them 2:1 BUT! These guys are also able to shoot… So, I’d imagine they’re probably gonna kill all of these before they get anywhere. But, it’s gonna be amazing… And I’m just gonna kick this shit off. SOUND THE HORN! Look. Is this thing on? SOUND THE HORN! [Horn sounds] There we go, terrible horn, but we’ll do it! Holy fucking shit on biscuits! Oh god, the kangaroos are actually powering through… By sheer numbers! And force! Oh wait no, the closer they get the quicker they die. Erm… Okay! This is amazing lookin’ nonetheless… Here we fucking go! They have an attack range of two meters! That’s all I know about kangeroos If you guys can burst around to the sides there And start killing some dudes. Um… They’re falling like flies! They’re falling like flies that don’t know how to fly! They’re falling like drops! [Jack sits back and reflects on the terrible pun he just made] This is not going well! Um… We’ve only killed, uh… 190 of the other guys But they killed 1,300 of my kangaroosies! So all in all… Um… That- that- it- it’s not- it’s not, it’s not a good day for Australia! Not a- not a good day at all! That soldiers are actually winning. I didn’t- I didn’t actually see that happening… Thought the kangaroos were mighty powerful, and that they would kill everything, but… no… I mean, at least we’re not gonna go hungry, amirite? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Freedom, freedom… America, cheeseburgers, whatever! Wasn’t thinking! I wasn’t thinking like a ‘roo ‘roo! I wasn’t thinking like a kangomatic! Kangaroos wouldn’t all just ball together… And fight head on! That’s not how kangaroos work! have you ever seen a kangaroo in the wild? Pack animals! They hunt in packs like velociraptors And they surround their prey! So, here… we have… A lot of them. Wait, wait… [Sniffs the area] Now I smell shitting pants in the air! Because now you’re terrified, Now you’re scaaaared of kangaroosies! Here we fucking go, YEAH! Maybe we’ll get some crossfire! Maybe you’ll actually start killing each other! Aw! This is the shit right there! YEAH! Just try it now, Mr.Soldier men! If you- oh god… This is really cool looking, watching them surround them. We made a giant X! *Singing* X gon’ give it to ya! Gon’ give it to ya! First, we’re gonna… ROCK! Then we’re gonna… ROLL! Then we’re gonna… COCK! Go let it- *normal voice*go! Still not doing the best… Um… Still, we’ve only killed like… 370 of them! But we do have 4,000 kangaroos. Ah sorry! ‘Roo ‘Roo’s As they liked to be called… Don’t know if you ever talked to a kangaroo, they hate that name! They came up to me one time and the kangaroo said “What the fuck does ‘kanga’ mean?” And I said “I don’t even know, dude. Don’t talk to me.” But all I know is that ‘roo ‘roo’s… are gonna kick some ass, look at them, they’re surrounded! You don’t know what to do! There’s a bit of a gap over here though… We might actually do this! 200 soldiers left… 1,400 kangaroos left! they give or take, COME ON KANGAROOS! Yes! FOR AUSTRALIA! I mean, I don’t know why I’m rooting for either because I don’t really have a dog in this race. But… We’re doing well! Ha ha ha! Yes! Ba ba ba ba ba BA BUM BA BUM! You cannot stand the power of the kangas! *Little kid voice* “Mommy, what’s wrong with the soldiers? *Mom voice* “Don’t worry my child, they’re just sleeping.” *Normal voice* Sound the horn of war! [Horn sounds again] It is time… for… The catapults of death! There’s 200- actually, there’s 1,000- 2,000…. I mean there’s… a thousand catapults here. It actually tells me in the top corner… Jack can’t read cause he had his eyes gouged out by a giant catapult… years ago! They’re like giant spoons! Well, except that we’re not flinging ice cream, we’re not even tasting ice cream. We. Are up. Against. The might. Nay, the sheer audacity, and veracity that is the chickens. But, not only any old chickens, these aren’t your regular, old “Momma’s farting out eggs” kind of hens. These are the MotherCluckers! Ready to go! Ready to do the business! 20 times stronger! A thousand times faster! Nothing will ever stop them! Go MotherCluckers! This- This is ten times speed? This is terrible… [Horn sounds x2] We’re back again, that was not enough! That was not enough tact speed… I sent away those MotherCluckers… They were imposters! Imposter Cluckers! THESE are the real deal! These are the sunny side up… type of chicken makers! Look at ’em go! That’s what I like to see… get those catapults! These are the FIERCEST chicken the world has ever seen! Like rabid dogs mixed with dragons’ blood! They will destroy ANYTHING… that they come in contact with! Fucking- Oh my god, that’s actually fucking terrifying! Holy… mother of god! They’re like nanobots! JESUS CHRIST! Um… Okay. Well then… Uh… Didn’t think it’d be like that! That was like a swarm of locus! That was like the end of days! Okay! An epic battle of epic proportions is about to take place! We have… 4 thousand orcs… vs. one dwarf. But not just any old dwarf… this is Gimli. Son of gloin… there’s the rest of his name there. That’s only his first name, “Gimli son of Gloin.”. The rest of his name is “Gimli son of gloin, son of cheese burger” Um… You can actually see it here… It’s not showing up in the full menu. That’s fine. We don’t need it to show up cause we know his full name. I’ve seen his passport, I believe him. I’m not saying where he comes from, he’s very secretive about that… he doesn’t want people to find his wife and kids… Because he’s too powerful, people might use them as collateral against him. They’re not as powerful. So, we’re going up against 4 orcs 4,000 orcs, 4 orcs. Ha! Gimli son of gloin, son of cheeseburger laughs in your face! Fucking four dwarves… four orcs. FUCK! How ya feeling buddy? Are you ready to kick some orc ass? I think he is, he’s fucking freshly conditioned his own beard for this day. Thing is going to be amazing! Go little buddy! Oh yes… [Laughs] [sings Yakety Sax by Benny Hill] [Breaks into laughter] That’s ridiculous. Okay, let’s see how much he kicks ass! Go buddy! Holy mother of god, look at him go! He’s like a fucking Beyblade! Ha ha ha! He just keeps on walking his way through them! That’s amazing! Go dude! He’s killing tons of ’em! He’s getting like, 10 a second! He he ha ha ha! You can just see the perfect line. Wait, we’ll speed it up…. And see where he goes, see if they chase him. [Chuckles] you’ll see the pattern that he leaves. If they all go that way… Cause he’ll just leave a line of them in his wake! [Laughs] Seriously, we shoul- [laughs] I’m not gonna call you “Gimli son of gloin, son of cheeseburgers” anymore, you are now called “Beyblade”! “Dwarf Beyblade”,”Dwarfblade”! That’s gonna be his name, “Dwarfblade, the magnificent destroyer of worlds” He just started one end and now he’s working his way back. It’s like he’s cutting a lawn! You know, when you’re cutting a lawn and you like… you make your way down one way, you cut it all and ya turn around, and you come back… you turn around and you go- If you don’t do that you’re doing it inefficiently, and you’ll be all day cutting your fucking lawn. And then where you’re gonna be at? Huh? Okay, I’m gonna make him run away. Yup, see you later, yes you’re all very, very angry. He has a million health as well. And he doesn’t even need to move his legs, he LEVITATES his way off the battle field. That’s how you know a good soldier. Can I speed things up? I can’t speed things up in this mode, and if I let him go he’s just gonna run back. I want to see the pattern that he has left in his wake. He’s so cute. I’m gonna go chop down trees for a while and build my house in Minecraft. Oh yes, this is going to be AMAZING! He’s just gonna mow his way through all these guys! He ha ha ha ha! I love it so much, look at this! Ha ha ha! HA HA! Gimli! I mean Bey- Dwarfblade, you gonna fucking kill me! Is he making his way through them again? He’s- he’s gonna- he’s making a pattern. He’s just gonna draw a giant penis. That’s so cool… I love it so much! *Singing* Ain’t no stopping him now~ He is a beast~ *Normal voice* Hello? Um, yes! Boston Genetics? Yes, I think we’ve gone too far. Wi- with the Dwarf Beyblade. Yeah, I think we went one too far with him. Well maybe a bit too far, he’s VERY strong. He’s killing everyone! Yes, I’ll hold. [Cheesy waiting music] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! I’m gonna get ten of ’em! And we’ll get 10 of the little beyblades, little dwarfblades… and, I’m going to make them like, spread out, they’re gonna be in a single line. Hopefully… Maybe… I don’t know… I wanna see them just like walk through the crowd. I wanna just seem the like, Be like security guards at a rock concert, just like, walk through the crowd, picking up and destroying people as they go. What- what- formation are they in? They better be in like flying “V” formation, flying eagle. Why are you in this formation? It’s stupid! You know what? Fuck it, let’s go. Imagine being the orcs, just being like, “What the- What the fuck is that?…” “…What is- What is that?….” “…Is- is that a dwarf?…” “…Is that- Is that person? I don’t know it’s kinda fast.” And then, all of a sudden you’re just fucking dead! Look at him work the crowd! He he ha ha ha ha! Yes! Oh my god! I wanna see what pattern they make! I want a skull! I want you guys to make a skull! It’s gonna be like a Rorschach blot test by the end of it! You’re just gonna have to look at it and interpretate… what ever the hell this ends up being. Uh, hello? Yeah, there’s ten of them now! WAAAAY too many! Hmm… What do you guys see into that blot test? What do you guys see in- in the middle of all that? What does that pattern look like? Now to me it looks like the depressed memories of my childhood. (Really? Same) I mean that’s just what I got at an INITIAL glance. I’m seeing the creation of the universe. (I still see my childhood) I’m seeing the destruction of yo- What’s the right answer? The winners are: Gimli son of Gloin son of cheeseburgers! Well done lads, Proud of ya’ Did any of you even die? No. [Chuckles] Well, that does it for this episode of “Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator”, this game is just endlessly fun. No matter what I try out, the uni customization really added a whole lot to it. Watching like a group- watching one thing destroy ten thousand things… is amazing! I love that so much! It’s incredible, I hope they update the game more, I hope they keep adding… more maps and characters into it, cause I- I-I don’t think it’s that hard from them to add characters constantly, it’s just adding… like a texture over different things and then adding different multipliers on them. Um… So, it’s a very scaleable game, and I really like that about it. So I hope they add just a SHIT ton of characters. I hope they add a JackSepticEye were he just punches like buttons in the face. Add like buttons and a JackSepticEye, that’d be amazing. Uh, I kind of ran out of ideas myself… for what the fight against each other in this though… so, please let me know in the comments what you’d like to see fight, or what unit you would like see be overpowered, or- anything at all! Any ideas you have, I’m all eary-holed. But for now, Thank you guys SO MUCH for watching this episode! If you liked it, punch that like button in the face! LIKE A BOSS! And… High fives all around! WAPUSH! WAPUSH! And thank you guys, and I’ll see all you dudes… IN THE NEXT VIDEO! Thank you for watching 😀 Captions by: Anon and Trista W. Eh? Eh, punch like button? Eh???